I thought this blog would be more about products but instead I find myself writing things that just come off my heart. Yes, it sounds a little woo woo but I cannot help it. Let’s talk about miscarriage. This is a topic I never thought I would chat about. Unfortunately, it is a topic that is not talked about enough. I am not here to write my story and expect it to feel the same for everyone else but I do write it in hopes that it resonates with one of you. Or maybe, to be honest, because this blog is about honesty. And if we are being honest, maybe I am writing it to help heal a part of me that still is broken. Grief is weird, it hits you in the weirdest moments. One of these moments was when a mom came into my store all excited to register for her baby that was due in August. Oh August, what is so special about that month? That was the due date month of our angel baby.
It started right before Christmas, when I started to really think there was something in the refrigerator making that awful smell. As I convinced my husband that he has to clean it out, he reassured me that there was nothing rotting in there. Then I started to think about the not-so-coincidence instant craving for jalapenos. I start to wonder when my last period was, and with all the craziness with the holidays, I remember I never had one. How is this possible? We weren’t trying? Was I ready for another baby? I wanted a hot girl summer, and was already chasing around two needy but really cute kids. I took the test, and there were those bright double blue lines. Positive. Wow. I was not ready. How far along was I? I had to be at least almost 8 weeks. I ran into the living room to tell my husband, and threw the test at him. He proceeded to tell me I was joking, and made me take 4 more tests. Although we were shocked. We were also very excited to have another little Schieber kid. What would they be like? Would it be a mini Luke or a mini Ava? How am I going to wrangle 3 kids in the car? Well none of that mattered. The only thing that mattered is my heart grew bigger to make room for another little baby.
The next couple days I scheduled an appointment with my midwives to get me in as soon as possible. I was headed to Dallas in a few weeks and really wanted to know all the details so I could tell my family. I showed up to my appointment, and I really wanted to see if we could get an ultrasound, she agreed we could try! So we went into the back room, where she put that cold gel on my stomach, and there was the little bean on the screen.I was indeed 6 weeks. It was a little early to get a heart rate, but she was very optimistic and everything looked great. August 10th was the due date.
It looked and felt great until it didn’t. I drove down to Dallas for the market. It is a time that usually comes with a lot of walking, stress, and tough decisions to make. About halfway through my day,I started to bleed. To give some context, with Luke I spotted and had a point in the early trimester where I bled a little of concern but it ended up being nothing. I felt like this was a similar situation so I had nothing to worry about. Following the second day, the bleeding continued. At this point, it was not a lot, only enough to wear a small painty liner if that. Well, that night ended up being much different. Around 8pm, I started to get very crampy, almost like labor pains. They were consistent and came in waves. A feeling I knew all too well. Soon I felt a gush. I ran to the bathroom, and then the worst site you could imagine. Blood everywhere. If you are one to not like this stuff, I recommend not to continue reading. These next few parts are important to talk about because no one does.
In my heart, I knew what was happening and at that point, I lost it. Did this baby ever feel unwanted? Is that why it left me? Was my body not ready? Now what? At this point I was already 8 weeks plus so what was I going to see? Would it be a tiny baby? Would it be a sac with nothing in it? What was I supposed to do with this baby? Because, now more than ever, It WAS a baby, and it was our baby. Was I just supposed to let it flush down the toilet? How morbid is that? How awful is that to think about? Well, it is. No one can prepare you for the mind games that will play in your head during this time. Thoughts you would never come across your mind. Was I supposed to keep it and bury it in the backyard? It sounds like I just committed a murder, well, that's what it looked like. A murder scene. The night went on, with lots of tears and blood. So much blood and clots. Clots that could have contained my baby. My heart couldn’t take looking into them any further. The next day approached and I had to tell my mom the unbearable news, that she would not be getting another grand baby yet. My mom was there for me that day. As the day went on, so did my bleeding, I could not go anywhere. I was soaking pads every 30 min. It started to worry me to the point that it couldn't be healthy. I was afraid of hemorrhage or something. With my mom pushing me to go to the ER, we did. What were they going to tell me that I already knew what was in my heart? After two long ultrasounds, one normal one, and one vaginally, which I had never had a vaginal ultrasound until then and let’s just say it was one of the worst experiences of my life. After an hour of waiting to find out the results, the doctor came in to tell me what I already knew. But what I didn’t know is that I was still carrying the baby. A dead baby with no heartbeat. A tough sentence to read, but a tougher one to write. After a long night of mourning, I still hadn’t passed the baby yet.
We headed home to my moms house. When I got out of the car, I felt lightheaded and hot. I soon started to tumble and luckily my dad was there to help me get to the couch. I refused to get IV fluids in the ER and I was already losing a ton of blood, so now I was starting to feel the implications of that. All I wanted to do was go home and be with my husband at this point. I wasn’t the only one mourning a loss, he was too. I reassured my parents that I was okay to take a shower and they started to pack my bags and get the kids ready to make a trip to Ponca. I got into the shower, and started to feel lightheaded, and then I felt a gush of blood and everything went dark. I woke up to my mom calling 911 and my dad in the shower with me.I had passed out. I was butt naked, blood everywhere, and my dad holding o to his once little girl. A dad should never see that.
Fast forward, and I made it home to Ponca that night. I wanted to see my midwives the next day. They got me in, we chatted. They gave me another ultrasound, and then again, there was no heartbeat, but a dead baby. They talked about options, I could wait this out or I could get a D&C, which means, they would put me to sleep, go in and grab the baby out. My other option, to keep bleeding, and hope it passes on its own but could take weeks or even months. By this point, it had been almost a week. The bleeding was heavy and it started to have a foul odor to it. An odor that I will never be able to get out of my head. A dying baby. What is even more mind-f*ing is that, It used to be a home of two beautiful healthy babies, and now, it's a coffin for a brother or a sister my kids will never get to meet. Let that sink in for a second. I couldn't go another day carrying it. I couldn’t. My heart was breaking and every second of the day I wondered, will I see this baby in the toilet? Will I be at a public place when it happens? Then what? So we started to schedule the D&C for that following Monday. Well that Monday morning right before I was scheduled to meet the OB for D&C, the baby had passed through. I was certain this time. I went to the appointment anyway and then we did the ultrasound and there was the answer I had been waiting to hear “we do not see the fetus.” In most circumstances those words would be a bare of bad news, but for me, it was a sign of relief. Now, I was able to grieve, and now I was able to start moving on. I didn’t feel like a coffin anymore.
Miscarriage is a heartbreak that until you go through it, you will never understand the depth of the confusion or sadness. The gruesome thoughts or questions you have that NO one else talks about. I write this not only for a part of me to heal, but for a mom out there that might help give them support if they ever go through something like this. I had a couple of friends that unfortunately had gone through something like me, it's not a club you want to be a part of and frankly it can be a club that no one ever knows about because it's not talked about. But how? 1 in 4 women will go through a miscarriage. There are stats to prove that. That means out of 1in 4 of my friends will have gone through this and most of the time in secrecy and silence.. Let me tell you this, my friend Sally ( I changed her name for privacy), she got me through some of the toughest nights and days. She didn’t sugar coat what was about to happen, she didn’t sugar coat the language she used and neither did I. I lost a baby, there were no other words to describe it other than that. If I need to be that Sally for someone else, please do not hesitate to reach out to me please. I am here, I am with you. Miscarriage doesn’t discriminate whether it's the beginning of your journey, the middle, or the end.
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Thanks for coming to my chat. Maybe next time we can chat about my favorite items?
Until next time,
This was awful,beautiful & hurt my heart…I went through this twice. Thank you for telling your story, I feel like there are many of us that aren’t bold enough to.
Just the first few sentences I knew your writing style and heart would take us on a journey. Sharing your story, as painful and heartbreaking as it must still be was a very courageous thing to do. It’s keep your Angel in recent memory and thoughts. My heart aches for you, and I cried the entire time. Especially with the mention of the doctor coming to talk to you. If only no one had to experience that.
Keep thriving, growing and experience for yourself, your family and the hearts and hands we wish we could hold.
Derion, thank you for having the courage and honesty to post that. I am so sorry you lived this and that it is and was your reality. Praying for you as you continue to heal, my friend.
PS – I’ve also really enjoyed this blog already! Enjoyed feels like a really bad word to use for this post, but I just want you to know you’re blessing people through it. Keep up the good, hard work! We see you.
Derion, this truly moved me to tears. Thank you for being so raw, real, bold and brave. Proud of you always.
That was a tough one to read, but not ever experiencing a miscarriage, it was very informative and helps me understand the horrible experience many women face. God bless you for speaking on their behalf!